The best thing I've written in ages

When one considers the epitome of the genre of sports, chess hardly comes to mind. “Only,” one might say, “will the truly perverse suggest such an outrage! Chess is a petty board game, not something as bold and exceptional as a sport!”
But my friends, this is where you would find yourself in the wrong! For chess is a sport, indeed, the mightiest and the best of all sports! How do I figure?
First, to elaborate on how chess is truthfully a sport. When one thinks of sports, sweat nearly always comes to mind. I cannot, in fact, think of a sport that does not result in a large quantity of sweat, chess included. I sweat profusely whenever I play chess, just as all those playing with me sweat. It’s crazy. I believe that if you are not sweating while playing chess, you are flat out doing it wrong.
Thus, we have established why chess is, in fact, a sport. What, then, makes it the best sport?
I consider chess superior because no other sport allows for the intellectual activity provided by this game of kings and queens. Chess requires you to strategize, to think ahead, to lift up the weight of a mighty empire and place it, if only temporarily, upon your shoulders. As opposed to pettier, more trivial games, chess requires you to keep in mind the lives of each and every citizen on your playing board, forcing you to make life and death situations. With the exception of all out war, what other game requires such responsibility?
I have be harmed greatly, by my own brother, no less, for my stance on this issue, I assure you, no good will come of it. Great legions of human beings stand behind me on this issue, we are all willing, nay, we promise, to fight should another great number, led by a king, queen, bishop, squire, and rook, strive to attack us by force. I vow to keep this promise.
I wish ardently that you support me on this issue, please, turn to the light! By agreeing that chess is the best sport, you aren’t really forsaking your previously more beloved extracurricular activities, there is room enough in everyone’s heart to love more than one sport, just so long as the largest room belongs to chess.